I was on a night out recently when I bumped into an old friend.
Her day had obviously started long before mine. Perhaps a boozy lunch that continued on beyond dinner time.
By the time I met her around 9pm, she was trying to light the filter end of a cigarette she had in her mouth the wrong way around.
“Are you still writing all that shit about your perfect wee life and your perfect wee family” she asked dismissively, hiccupping as she tried her best to keep her balance.
If you have read any of my work, either here or in previous guises, you will know it is always self deprecating and almost always talking about my imperfect family, which pissed me off.
If every single person in the bar that night told me my writing was the best they had ever read, I would have been lying in bed thinking about this one negative comment.
Why do we do that to ourselves?
Anyway, before I could reply she screamed across the table to her friend to introduce me.
‘“KAREN!!! HEY KAREN!!!”
Karen was two feet away and her body jolted with the piercing scream. She rose a finger to her ear to protect herself from the rest of the sentence.
“THIS IS DAVID,” she continued, “DAVID, TELL KAREN ABOUT ALL THAT BULLSHIT YOU WRITE ABOUT.”
“Always nice to meet the fans” I quipped.
Karen looked at me apologetically.
I thanked my friend for her constructive criticism, before making my excuses and leaving.
I’m not sure she even noticed me leaving as she was sucking on her cocktail stirrer, perplexed as to why her Vodka and Coke wasn’t forthcoming.
I thought about handing her a straw then reconsidered. Maybe a short break from the alcohol would do her no harm.
Maybe I should take this opportunity to introduce you to my not so perfect family, if you plan on hanging about here, you will read about them often.
Mary - The Wife
It goes without saying that she is the exception to the rule because she is practically perfect in every way. Obviously.
Saorlaith - The Eldest
Saorlaith is the sensible one now but it wasn’t always that way.
One afternoon when I was collecting her from nursery, I knocked over a mug of tea Mary had left in the cup holder that morning.
She takes an actual ceramic mug of tea with her in the car which doesn’t fit in any of the cup holders
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I muttered while trying to rescue the cup before it emptied itself into the footwell.
Saorlaith didn’t acknowledge it. I got away with it.
A few nights later we took her to my parents anniversary mass. Everyone was chatting among themselves waiting for the Mass to begin so whatever noise Saorlaith was making got soaked up by the chatter. Then the priest came out, everyone stood up and the chapel fell into a reverent silence.
Just at that moment, Saorlaith dropped her toy horse. The noise of that alone was uncomfortably loud but the ‘Oh for fuck sake!’ that followed at full volume was somewhat worse.
I spent the rest of the mass fighting to hold in the laughter.
Grace - The Middlest
Yes I’ve invented a new word there.
Grace is a nut case. Stone cold nut case. She is also the most energetic and joyful child you will ever meet.
One nigh, Mary’s Mother and Aunt (who was visiting from New York) Face Timed us. Mary was in the shower and I didn’t have the energy so I let Grace answer. She plodded off to speak to her in private, or so I assumed.
That is until I heard a blood curdling scream come from the shower. Grace took the phone into Mary so she could say hello.
Mary was screaming at me to get her out but I didn’t want to go into the bathroom because then her mother would know I seen her daughter naked.
Grace eventually came out but not before showing every inch of her Mother to her Nanny and Aunt Margaret!
Cían - THE YOUNGEST
Cían is much more like Grace than Saorlaith but a little less wild.
It’s his talking that usually gets me into trouble.
He once told his teacher my willy looked like a tail.
He told me I didn’t look good in a hat because my face was too fat.
He asked me why a man in the swimming pool was so hairy as we sat beside him in the changing rooms.
He asked a trans girl serving us in a shop why she looked like a girl but sounded like a boy.
Then there was the time he went through a racist phase but for everyone’s sake, that’s a story best kept to myself.
My family are a lot of things, but perfect is not one of them. And if any of you want to make me feel better about that, I’d love to hear some of your stories.
If you’ve got kids, I know you’ve got stories . . .
In the meantime, I better go get Cian. He’s running around the house naked and I think he has just answered the door to the postman.
This granny has been laughing so hard.🤣🤣after raising kids of my own and now having grandkids looking forward to more belly laughs. Thank you, thank you thank you life’s too short. I prefer the laughter.
If I understand this correctly, your willy looks like a tail because your genitals are mounted on the back of your body instead of the front.
I am glad you have managed to create a lovely family despite this unusual problem.